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Archive for December, 2019|Monthly archive page

What Triggers You?

In Uncategorized on December 20, 2019 at 2:47 pm

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“Although childhood experiences are significant in shaping an individual’s worldviews, injurious elements from childhood do not have to dictate the present. Injurious attachment styles learned in early childhood experiences can be changed, relational mistakes can be corrected, negative patterns of relating can be exchanged for nurturing ones, and parental bonds can be healed.   A person can learn to create healthier relationships, provide a platform for old wounds to heal, and progress in their spiritual journey. This level of healing is the will of God for each victim experiencing the pain of father absence.” – Fathers Presence Matters

What is a trigger?

Have you ever heard a song and it reminds of a person, a moment in your life, a relationship?  Anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, rejected, defensive, anxious, abandoned, frustrated, angry, and unsatisfied.

  • Songs
  • Smells
  • Conversation
  • Cities

All of which seems like you got this way for no reason at all. Because emotional triggers are conscious and unconscious.  But mostly unconscious.

You aren’t aware of what made you feel that way and so often you blame the person you’re talking to or the situation you’re in when the real reason for your reaction is that the situation triggered a learned reaction in your brain.

Common triggers to give you an idea of what to look for:

  • Having to make a change
  • Challenging yourself or learning something new
  • Being criticized
  • Failing at something
  • When something goes wrong
  • When you make a mistake
  • When you make a mistake in front of others
  • Being put on the spot
  • When you procrastinate
  • When you’re on a deadline, pressured, or rushed
  • When your reputation is at risk

Triggers were originally created by your brain as a way to help you be efficient with your responses to the world around you and, ultimately, to keep us safe.

The continuous exposure to something does what is called wiring in your brain.  Wiring is the path by which patterns are established and learned behavior is reinforced.

Once the situation—the place, person, or thing—is programmed into the brain with a certain emotion attached to it, this same thing becomes a trigger, meaning the next time you find yourself with that place, person, or thing, it automatically triggers that same emotion.

Unfortunately, sometimes our brain creates an association between the emotion and a person, place or thing that is NOT truly the cause. When this mis-association happens, the faulty wiring can do more harm than good. For example, if your parents told you “we need to talk” every time just before you got in trouble, then in the future if a friend or spouse says “we need to talk” you’ll immediately become defensive. You aren’t aware of the real reason you feel that way, and so you blame your friend.

The key to recognizing your negative triggers is to become a student of your own emotions. By becoming aware of your emotions you become aware of triggers, you start to take their power away because you can choose to react differently, instead of reacting automatically.

Ask yourself what tends to trigger your emotions. Then, for each one, consider in what way you react to those triggers and whether the reaction is appropriate or reasonable. Lastly, for each trigger, ask yourself:

  • How could I react differently? How could I think differently? Feel differently? Act differently?
  • What people trigger me? What do they do or say? What do I think as a response? How do I feel or act? Is it reasonable? What could be different?
  • What topics of conversation trigger me? Why? How do I feel or act? What could be different?
  • What places do I go that tend to trigger me? What do I think, feel or act? What could be different?

Take a look at a recent Facebook Live on What Triggers You?

 

Dr. Torri J.

Founder & CEO

The Fatherless Generation Foundation Inc.

How Fatherlessness is Impacting Your Ability to Co-Parent

In Uncategorized on December 10, 2019 at 11:12 pm

In some ways, you are reliving your childhood with your ex.

  1. Your abandonment issues
    • You recognize the cycle and will fight tooth and nail to recreate or ensure the same thing does not happen to you.
    • A Key symptom to Abandonment issues is the actual fear of abandonment. You are always on the watch for abandonment, so much so it causes you to This symptom may need frequent reassurance that the person is not leaving, you even go to great lengths to try to avoid abandonment and to feel devastated when someone ends a relationship with you.  In many ways, it’s a double-whammy. People with Borderline Personality Disorder both fear abandonment and have symptoms that create CONFLICT with others.
  2. Conflict is where you find comfort. Conflict often leads to abandonment, which then reinforces the fear.
  3. Your Picker is Broken.  Subconsciously, adults with Abandonment Disorder tend to choose spouses or partners who resemble one of their parents so that they can recreate their childhood and get it right this time. But without an understanding of the reasons for their behaviors, they are seldom successful.  
  4. It is hard to set aside your emotions. How do you set aside hurt and your anger for the sake of the children when you have never learned these behaviors? You are still dealing with unresolved emotions of your own.
  5. How can I Co-Parent when “I” is all I see? There is no “I” in Team and neither is “I” in Co-Parenting.  It is a tremendous challenge to recreate what you never saw what a team looks like.

Take a listen to what Dr. Torri J. shared on Healing Tuesday about the impact your fatherlessness is having on your ability to co-parent.

Healing the Father Wound

In Uncategorized on December 6, 2019 at 6:06 pm

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We all come into the world helpless, dependent, needing acceptance, to be treated as worthy, and to be loved. Our father’s absence leaves us vulnerable and susceptible to psychological, emotional and mental health issues. This is called a Father Wound!

There is a real challenge to identify our Father Wounds when we refuse to simply consider the idea we needed him because of our loyalty to the love, perseverance, and strength of our single mothers. But nonetheless, the wound still exists and weaves its way into our hearts and subconscious minds influencing dysfunctional behaviors and patterns causing us to repeat cycles within our own relationships.

Father Wounds can be caused by:
💔 Neglect
💔 Absence
💔 Abuse
💔 Control
💔 Withholding

The impact of a Father Wound is a deep emotional pain living and breathing within our subconscious creating a life of limitations, distortions, sabotage, low-self esteem, dysfunction, and much more 😢. The saddest part is of it all is most times we are aware of the pain but yet unaware of its roots and the impact it is having on our day to day lives.

Barriers to Healing Your Father Wound:
✔️Pride: Will NOT confront the issue declaring “I’M FINE!”
✔️Sin: Will NOT seek to confess the sin that got you here nor receive forgiveness.
✔️The Wound Itself: Continuous internal trauma
✔️Lies: Misconceptions about yourself, birth father which leads to misconceptions about God the father.

How do you heal?
❤️Confront: your trauma, acknowledging you are not fine and you need help.
❤️Confess: the sins & mistakes, and allow forgiveness in. This includes Generational Trauma.
❤️ Stop: rehearsing the story and allowing it to be a re-run within your mind. Let go of the story. Learn how to empower others from your story.
❤️ Speak Truth: about who you are, learn the truth of your father’s background so you can allow compassion to come in and forgiveness to take hold, and open yourself up to the love of God.

This won’t be easy. So don’t do it alone. Find an amazing therapist who can assist you in your journey to healing!